New Year, Same Old Me

People people everywhere… not a soul in sight.

Caffeinated productivity

Caffeinated productivity

I’m sitting at the local Panera today, the melancholy strands of some forgotten classical composer matching my mood this morning. Last night’s fight with the hubby still stings in my heart as I try to drown my feelings in a cup of coffee.

It’s a brand new year, but I’m not writing resolutions, or setting goals like I did last year.  I had all kinds of plans to expand my business, learn new things, and get in shape…and look how that turned out.  I feel like I tried so hard, and everyone around me kept saying, “you can do it, mind over matter, push yourself!”  But that didn’t make the pain go away.  That didn’t give me the energy to do what I wanted to do.  So maybe it’s better to take each day as it comes…

As I sit here lost in my thoughts, other conversations filter through my conscious.

  • At my 2 ‘oclock, an older man describes his ministry/business to a younger man, perhaps in hopes of bringing him onto the team.  Listening to him describe the work-load, the mission trips, and “scalability” it brings me right back to my former life…and I miss it.  I wish I was sitting here waiting for a meeting of my own.
  • At my 11 o’clock, 2 women sit on the same side of the booth, people-watching and giggling, 2 friends sharing a little life before they go their separate ways.  As they stand to leave, I notice the thinner one is older…maybe they are mother and daughter…then I see she carries a cane, and her daughter/friend throws away their trash for her. Even with a limp, she has a better attitude than I do today.
  • At my 9 o’clock 2 more women sit across from each other, laptops open.  The one on the left is self assured, prattling away a mile a minute as she explains a computer system to the girl on the right, who bites her lip in concentration and stares harder at the screen – as if that will help her make sense of it all.

Then, in the middle of the room, a young woman takes a phone call.  She looks troubled, then grabs a napkin and writes with her purple pen:  Jan. 29, 10am, doctor B. What is she thinking?  Why does she look troubled?  Well, I know, because that young lady is me.

What did you write down today?  All of us had to plan something...

What did you write down today?

In that moment as I looked at the napkin, I was struck in awe of the vastness of the world, and the multitude of people within it, that all have responsibilities, family, a job, an agenda, maybe even a broken heart…and God knows them all.  That just astounds me!  I think one of the reasons that community and connection and conversation mean so much to me is that I see the Great Creator at work when I get a glimpse of someone’s life, and see a reflection of my own. I wish I could just plop myself down at the table and join in…and want to meet them all!

People are so much more alike than we are differentand yet at the same time each person out of billions is remarkable and unique.  Doesn’t that just boggle your mind?  Does it stop you in your tracks to think that at any given moment, there is someone like you in the world who is in the same situation…and someone else at the same time who may never experience what you’re going through, yet will still feel what you’re feeling?

Still smiling!  More coffee please...

Still smiling! More coffee please…

I don’t know what God or the Evil One have in store for me this year…but I pray that the Lord will use me for good.  I pray that whatever talents He has entrusted to me will not go to waste.  I pray that what I am learning about myself and the world will not be in vain.  I think there is a reason humans have the ability to communicate on such a specifically in-depth level. No other creature can do that!  It must be for a purpose right?  There must be a heavenly value in learning and understanding and appreciating what each of us brings to this world.  Perhaps my goal this year will be to figure that out.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

~Morgen

4 Minutes of Focus

Anything worthwhile…worthy, worth doing…takes a little focus. It takes a little effort, and a little decision.

social-media-multi-tasking

I am so in the habit of flying into my thoughts for the day, or a task, and then when it’s not going well, I often just keep barreling through ‘multi-tasking at whim’ when we could vastly IMPROVE what we’re trying to do with just a little focus. For me, it was my favorite soothing music, (literally like one 4-min song), and some improvised breathing/yoga stretches to try and relax my sore back and ham-strings that provided something “worthy” to my day.

In my soreness this morning, even after pain meds, I had tried to just get my hubby to take care of it all for me – make the tea, put food in the oven, etc…but by 7am recruits were blowing up his phone, so I sighed and prayed and forced myself out of bed. Morning chores were rough, and it was Ed who admonished me to stop and stretch out for a minute  as I hobbled from dogs to stove.

If you're movin' you're groovin' honey! Just let it flow...

If you’re movin’ you’re groovin’ honey! Just let it flow…

Just those 4 minutes – I focused on breathing fully, leaning into my stiffness, and enjoying the music, and just shifting whatever whatever I wanted!  Sorry more evolved friends,  “True Yoga” intimidates me. By the time Pandora had switched to the next song I was ready to shmimmy up and with a little shake and feel a smile warm my face as blood flowed and tingled down my spine.  I’m cured!  Kind of, for now.  Just then the kitchen timer alerted me to a hot breakfast waiting – beautiful.

Worth it!  Just a little focus, effort, and decision…now I can relax with my breakfast and hopefully remember this lesson tomorrow.

Happy Tuesday friends!

~Morgen

My 2 Cents on Meditation

Feel your inner lotus...or something.

Feel your inner lotus…or something.

Well if you know me, you know I don’t meditate.  I hate Silence.   Sitting in Silence is even worse!  My best prayer times are with music, or writing out my prayers in a journal.  However, Ed enjoys meditation and yoga.  He appreciates silence on his runs and walks.

We’ve been discussing meditation lately, I have always had reservations about it’s usage in Eastern and New Age religions.  I’ve seen meditation lead to communing with not-so-good spirits, and god-complexes in individuals.  However, I’m open minded to the idea applied to Christian practices.  There is a verse in the Bible I don’t pay enough attention to, it says,

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ~ Phillippians 4:8-9

Things that are lovely and good...

Things that are lovely and good…

Doesn’t that sound nice?  To spend time thinking about things like that, and allowing God to bring us peace?  Well, I have never made much time or spent much energy exploring this idea, and whenever Ed brought up meditation or yoga (which I have tried and failed at many times), I always pushed it off with a, “yeah, we can talk about that”.  Meaning, let’s talk about it later, and not do anything about it.

All of that changed today.  I was leaving the house to meet up with a friend whom I value very much.  I had not slept well due to Crohn’s issues, and felt tense all morning as I poured over emails and caught up on Facebook.  As I got into the car I thought, this tea-date is really important to me.  I really want God to use it.  So I started thinking about that as I drove.  How could God use this time to His purpose and goodness?  How has He used other conversations with friends to His Glory?  I reflected on the impact good friends have had in my life over the years, and then one particular thought stood out.  God has blessed me with the companionship of extraordinary people my entire life.

Ed is getting ready to leave for 7 weeks of training…that may turn into 5 months.

Oh Chi-Town...

Oh Chi-Town…

 Several people said to me, “well, why don’t you come back to Chicago for awhile?  See your family and friends here?”  I see their point, however, Chicago no longer feels like home.  Isn’t that crazy?  It always will be to some extent – it’s my home-town and made me who I am. But right now, Orlando has my heart. That surprised me as I thought about it!  It’s only been 4 months since I left, but there are dedicated, kind, loving people who have embraced Ed and I as their own.  As people found out he was leaving, they’ve reached out with all kinds of offers and invitations to keep me healthy, safe, and cared about while my husband is away.

So as I pulled up to Starbucks and waved to my friend through the window, I thanked God for how carefully He has orchestrated the relationships in my life.  I was reminded that He DOES have a purpose for things that we can’t even imagine…until we have that one conversation and it all makes sense.   That 10 minutes of meditation in the car put me in a completely different mindset to meet with this dear woman, and share life, and let God do what only He can do.  And sure enough – He did.  It was the most revealing, tender, and encouraging conversation we’ve had yet in our new friendship, and I now see the purpose of letting our minds dwell.

A Year for Love

What is...

What is…

It was just over 1 year ago, sometime last spring, when I started desperately praying to God to show me what “love” was.  I felt like every love I had encountered came with conditions, wanted me to change, or didn’t actually find joy in me as a person.  I feel like our generation has no concept of how the verb “love” plays itself out once the noun “love” is claimed to be possessed.

 “Love you!”  “I’m totally in love with your shoes”, and “Dude, you brought wings?  I love you!”  have somehow diluted the concept and I was completely and unashamedly searching for what LOVE should actually look like.   How could I, as a friend, daughter, pastor, and maybe one day wife or mother, ever show love to others if I didn’t understand it myself?

Well, God has been answering that prayer…and I mean Answering! 540920_575454823370_1655214684_n I never in my wildest dreams imagined that God would choose to show me an example of His deep love for me, by sending Edward into my life.  I was just expecting some type of text-book definition to appear in my mind and then I could explain that to people.  But here are some things about True Love, Christ-like love, that I have learned this year.

  1. Love is a choice
  2. Love is an overwhelming and undeniable 
  3. Love sees the very best in you, even when your actions don’t show it
  4. Love hurts
  5. Love heals
  6. Love sees the future with hope and a smile
  7. Love forgives easily
  8. Love challenges what feels wrong
  9. Love fights for what is right
  10. Love tells you who you are on the inside
  11. Love brings out your best
  12. Love shows you your worst
  13. Love makes you choose the high-ground to keep it
  14. Love takes delight in every little detail of you

I’m so blessed and fortunate that I get to live this experience with Edward Rishi Szall.  I know he must be hand picked because no one else could be this tailor made for me.  We gush, we challenge, we affirm, we debate, we cry (or I do),  and we marvel at all that this life has to offer.  He reminds me of who I want to be.  Praise the Lord.