New Year, Same Old Me

People people everywhere… not a soul in sight.

Caffeinated productivity

Caffeinated productivity

I’m sitting at the local Panera today, the melancholy strands of some forgotten classical composer matching my mood this morning. Last night’s fight with the hubby still stings in my heart as I try to drown my feelings in a cup of coffee.

It’s a brand new year, but I’m not writing resolutions, or setting goals like I did last year.  I had all kinds of plans to expand my business, learn new things, and get in shape…and look how that turned out.  I feel like I tried so hard, and everyone around me kept saying, “you can do it, mind over matter, push yourself!”  But that didn’t make the pain go away.  That didn’t give me the energy to do what I wanted to do.  So maybe it’s better to take each day as it comes…

As I sit here lost in my thoughts, other conversations filter through my conscious.

  • At my 2 ‘oclock, an older man describes his ministry/business to a younger man, perhaps in hopes of bringing him onto the team.  Listening to him describe the work-load, the mission trips, and “scalability” it brings me right back to my former life…and I miss it.  I wish I was sitting here waiting for a meeting of my own.
  • At my 11 o’clock, 2 women sit on the same side of the booth, people-watching and giggling, 2 friends sharing a little life before they go their separate ways.  As they stand to leave, I notice the thinner one is older…maybe they are mother and daughter…then I see she carries a cane, and her daughter/friend throws away their trash for her. Even with a limp, she has a better attitude than I do today.
  • At my 9 o’clock 2 more women sit across from each other, laptops open.  The one on the left is self assured, prattling away a mile a minute as she explains a computer system to the girl on the right, who bites her lip in concentration and stares harder at the screen – as if that will help her make sense of it all.

Then, in the middle of the room, a young woman takes a phone call.  She looks troubled, then grabs a napkin and writes with her purple pen:  Jan. 29, 10am, doctor B. What is she thinking?  Why does she look troubled?  Well, I know, because that young lady is me.

What did you write down today?  All of us had to plan something...

What did you write down today?

In that moment as I looked at the napkin, I was struck in awe of the vastness of the world, and the multitude of people within it, that all have responsibilities, family, a job, an agenda, maybe even a broken heart…and God knows them all.  That just astounds me!  I think one of the reasons that community and connection and conversation mean so much to me is that I see the Great Creator at work when I get a glimpse of someone’s life, and see a reflection of my own. I wish I could just plop myself down at the table and join in…and want to meet them all!

People are so much more alike than we are differentand yet at the same time each person out of billions is remarkable and unique.  Doesn’t that just boggle your mind?  Does it stop you in your tracks to think that at any given moment, there is someone like you in the world who is in the same situation…and someone else at the same time who may never experience what you’re going through, yet will still feel what you’re feeling?

Still smiling!  More coffee please...

Still smiling! More coffee please…

I don’t know what God or the Evil One have in store for me this year…but I pray that the Lord will use me for good.  I pray that whatever talents He has entrusted to me will not go to waste.  I pray that what I am learning about myself and the world will not be in vain.  I think there is a reason humans have the ability to communicate on such a specifically in-depth level. No other creature can do that!  It must be for a purpose right?  There must be a heavenly value in learning and understanding and appreciating what each of us brings to this world.  Perhaps my goal this year will be to figure that out.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

~Morgen

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7 Months In

WDay Ed Kissing Mo Cheeck

Wedding day bliss-kiss

Hello dear friends!

Yesterday marked 7 months of marriage for Edward and I…wow, is that all?  I still look at him sometimes and have to let it really sink in, “yeah, I’m married to that handsome guy!”   (Especially when he sleeps, he’s so calm when he sleeps!) But by now, it feels pretty normal.  The blessing and the challenge of these first months together has been that God has totally removed our ability to be independent from each other.  I think there are couples that have very in-grained careers, habits, personalities, and belongings, and post-wedding-day it is easy for them to slide back into those grooves, and it may feel not much has changed.

Well, no ruts allowed here!   By virtue of being in a new location together, and

Wonder where that goes?

Wonder where that goes?

my illness dominating our lives, we have been forced very quickly to battle through the worst of our demons together, and find new ways to live out who we are.  At first, this was quite scary.  Instead of sweet dates every week, there was lots of doctor appointments, online research, and creating of concoctions to try and tame my Crohn’s.  However, I think we are past the worst, and coming into more of a rythum. We found a doctor we like, the new house is perfect, and we’ve found almost everything we need in the area.  The best part is that we’ve had to figure it out between the 2 of us. What we like, what we need, what we do, as a married couple.  Not much has carried over from previous existence, and that is getting easier as time goes by.

We don’t shock each other as much anymore, and that is a good thing.  In fact, I’ve started ending some sentences with, “so that’s the deal, and baby don’t you even…” and then predict exactly what he was about to do.  He acts bothered, but is secretly pleased, “Babe, how did you know?  Get out of my head!”  Smugly I reply, “I can’t Baby, I married you.”   It’s one thing to know a person’s heart, their morals and character…it’s another to learn their habits, reactions, and hang-ups.  Some folks date for 5 years so that by the time they get married there are no surprises, (if there are, that was some good acting all that time!), but I wouldn’t trade the way we jumped in for anything.

Button-pushing can be a sport in our house, but we’ve learned to work with it.  For example:  I’ll say something annoying, Ed will clench his fist, look side-to-side, then pretend he just woke up like a crazy man.  “What, what just happened?  I, I must have blacked out!”.  Then I say, “Oh honey, is your PTSD acting up again?”   Which he really hates, and then there is either head-shaking or tickling depending on the day.

We look at each day’s challenges as building for the future.  Even now, we are learning how we shall grow old together. I may have a head start age-wise, but Ed wins on the grey hairs.  He tries to claim they’re from me…awww!

Remembering Willow…

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After 7 years of calling Willow Creek Community Church my home… God is calling me somewhere else.  Because I truly feel called to end my time here, and because there is the promise of starting a new life with my … Continue reading