There’s this song by Imagine Dragons (which is just such a beautiful whimsical thought to begin with), called “Where my Demons Hide”. Now, the song is not Christian based, and doesn’t make great sense, but it is haunting….
I was taking a drive while feeling perturbed by life and seeking solace in loud music, the open road, and a conversation with God when this song came on the radio. I was busily listing the things that annoyed me, then trying to count my blessings, praying for peace in the midst, and – my favorite – analyzing WHY I was so angry and trying to find the words to express it. For someone who communicates for a living, I am notoriously ill-equipped to convey why I feel what I feel. I get angry first – that’s my go-to emotion, which sometimes trickles down into sadness, fear, or loathsome insecurity.
My response to these emotions is usually to take a step back. It takes me a long time to sift through the many granules of a situation that are rubbing me the wrong way to find the one rock of truth that can’t be filtered away. That little stone is what I’m left with, and it weighs me down until I find a way to express it – to God, to those I trust, to the person who threw it into my bucket in the first place. Here’s the thing: The stone is always mine to begin with. That heavy weight I carry isn’t something someone else gave me, it is a hard truth that has been formed by the many experiences of my life that left me feeling fear, unworthiness, pain, sadness, indignation that I never cleaned out of my soul.
Now that I’m married, my little rocks seem to get thrown back into the mix much more often as our two lives swirl around together, and all the little grains of sand that make up a day, a week, a life with someone are constantly sifting through the filter and exposing these stones that I had done such a good job of keeping buried by myself.
So where do my demons hide? They hide behind my indignation – “how dare they! They don’t know, that’s not their right, I shouldn’t have to!” They hide behind my anger, “I don’t need this, I don’t have to take this, I’m out of here!”
They hide behind my weakness, “well I need this, I can’t do that, I’m just going to avoid it”
They hide behind my striving, “If I could just do this, if I could just get that, one day I’ll be at that level”.
My demons hide behind these smoke-screens which are rarely true, and convince me that I have the right to embrace emotions that isolate and discourage me, that hurt my relationships. Nothing good can come of that. So I say no.
Whether you believe demons are a metaphor, or an actual evil presence in the world and in our lives, this holds true – they cannot take the light. They “hide” because they love
darkness, they love secrets, they want us to suffer in silence. The way to break free is to shine a light. To share the pain, the angst, the fear with others. Isolation will only feed the dark feelings, let someone hear you out. Let them speak love, truth, and affirmations into your life. Let them relate with their own stories of pain, everyone has them.
Everyone is visited by demons, but it is our choice whether or not we let them stay. Today I was visited by demons, but I choose not to let them hide. I choose to let in the light! I told God about it, I told my best friend about it, and then finally, I told my husband about it. And do you know what happened? I feel peace. I feel safe. The problems aren’t gone, but they are no longer inflicting pain. That stone is smashed and the small grains of sand can be washed away by the next wave life brings. Ahhh….I am free to be me again.